Making Friends in a Metropolis: Finding Your People in Moscow

Moving to Moscow permanently is rarely an impulsive decision.

Most people who make the move have probably been thinking about it for a long time. There are jobs, families, paperwork, schools, apartments and about a hundred other things to consider. Which also means that, unlike moving somewhere at 18 to study, many of us arrive in Moscow a little later in life.

I moved here with my husband and our two young children. I'm Julia, by the way — these days I co-host our evenings and look after the finance side of Moscow Expat Events, but back then I was just someone new in a very big city.

And I didn't have a single friend.

At first, that wasn't really something I thought about.

My priority was getting the children settled. Are they comfortable? Are they adapting? Do they like their kindergarten? Are they making friends?

You spend so much time worrying about whether everyone else is okay that you don't necessarily notice what's happening with you.

Then eventually everything settles down.

The kids are happy. They've adapted. They've made friends.

And suddenly you realise...

Wait. They have friends. I don't.

Making friends after 30 is different

There's something almost embarrassing about saying out loud when you're over 30:

"I'd like to make a friend."

It sounds so simple.

When you're younger, friendships seem to just happen. As adults, we have work, partners, children, responsibilities and schedules. You can meet plenty of people without necessarily making a genuine friend.

I've met lovely parents through playgrounds and kindergarten. They're friendly acquaintances and it's nice to see them.

But that's different from having someone message you and say, "Let's go somewhere this weekend."

Or having a girlfriend to walk along one of Moscow's beautiful boulevards with, grab a coffee and dessert, and talk about whatever is happening in your lives.

Someone to dress up and go dancing with.

Someone to absolutely destroy a karaoke song with.

Someone to explore the city with.

Sometimes you just want some girl talk with someone who isn't your husband.

The strange loneliness of a huge city

Maybe there's a kind of metropolis FOMO.

Moscow is enormous. There is constantly something happening. New restaurants, exhibitions, concerts, beautiful parks, cafés, theatres and neighbourhoods you've never explored.

You see people enjoying all of it on social media too.

And when you've moved from somewhere where you already had your friendship group, it can make you very aware of what you've left behind.

That's something I don't think we talk about enough when we talk about moving countries.

You can love your new home.

You can believe you made the right decision.

You can be surrounded by your family and have a full life.

And you can still feel lonely sometimes.

Those things aren't contradictory.

For me, even if I had the opportunity to go somewhere alone, that's simply not as enjoyable. I want someone next to me laughing, talking and experiencing it with me.

Sometimes you have to make the first move

One of the things I've noticed since moving here is that Russians can be incredibly warm when you make the effort.

People may not necessarily make the first move, but once you do, that can change very quickly.

In fact, the first real friend I made in Moscow happened because I made the first move.

We were on a night out. I complimented her, we started chatting and eventually exchanged contacts.

Nothing complicated.

Someone simply had to say hello first.

Making local Russian friends can naturally take a little more time too, especially if you're still learning the language and culture. Those friendships develop as you become more integrated into life here.

But there's also something special about meeting another international person in Moscow.

There's almost an automatic bond.

At the very least, you already know they've probably got an interesting story.

Where did you come from?

Why Russia?

Why Moscow?

How long have you been here?

How are you finding it?

You've both experienced what it's like to pack up some version of your old life and start building another one somewhere completely different.

Maybe we're all thinking the same thing

This experience is actually part of why Moscow Expat Events means something to me personally.

Because perhaps the hardest part of making friends as an adult is admitting that you're trying to make friends in the first place.

An organised event removes that awkwardness.

Everyone who turns up has effectively admitted the same thing without anybody actually having to say it:

"I'd like to meet some new people."

And that's enough.

There's also something lovely about having the plans made for you.

There's a place. There's a time. There's something happening. All you have to do is show up and look forward to a fun evening.

No huge expectations.

You don't need to walk through the door and find your new best friend.

Our events are deliberately different each time and generally small — around 5 to 20 people. Enough people to mingle, but not so many that you disappear into a crowd.

You can talk.

You can laugh.

You can meet a few different personalities.

And hopefully, somewhere amongst them, you start finding your people.

What would success look like?

For me, the best possible outcome from Moscow Expat Events actually happens after the event.

Two people meet at one of our evenings.

They get along.

They exchange contacts.

Then one day we find out they've gone for coffee together.

Or they're exploring Moscow together.

Or a few people who met through us have created their own little friendship group and are organising something themselves next weekend.

That's success.

And whenever they feel like meeting somebody new or discovering another part of Moscow, they know they can always come back.

There will be another evening planned.

Another group of people.

Another place to discover.

And potentially another friendship that hasn't happened yet.

Give it time

If I could talk to the version of myself who first arrived in Moscow with my husband, two children and absolutely no friends, I think my advice would be very simple:

Give it a little time.

Don't measure your new life against the friendships you spent years building in your old one.

Don't assume everyone else already has their circle figured out.

And don't be afraid to make the first move.

You can know a thousand people.

But a genuine friend is worth waiting for.

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Written by Julia Falfouchinskaya, Finance & Public-Facing Co-Host at Moscow Expat Events. Julia moved to Moscow with her husband and their two children, and is usually one of the first faces you'll meet at the door. The upcoming events are here if you'd like to come and say hello.